Lascivious Geek

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What of ‘The Other Guy’

Hope is supposed to be a beautiful thing. Hope is supposed to keep you holding on. Why then does life make the other guy glimpse hope and snatch it away as soon as he think he may have the slightest amount? He is never given what he wants. Why can’t he at least be given hope? Why must he suffer to fight so hard for that hope if it is meant to be snatched from his grasp in a single pull? why does the life toy with the other guy?

The other guy has still always kept a little bit of hope hidden away. Maybe some day, something he doesn’t expect anymore may happen. A hope against hope. If he didn’t have that then what would be the reason to exist right?

Through every attempt at love, he has held so many people up. And when those people were strong enough to stand on their own, sure enough they have stepped right over the other guy to reach their goals. Oh yes, they were always kind enough to wave back. The other guy thanks his lucky stars to be waved at by the ladies he has loved.

And then, out of nowhere, that tiny glimpse of hope found someone who embraced it. That someone took that hope and made it grow. Grow so wild that the other guy thought maybe this could be his story. That finally years of being the other guy were not entirely wasted. She whispered three words in his ears, again and again. The other guy hadn’t felt this before. He was not used to it. He was not used to a real love. He was not used to such whispers. For he had known only the whispers of shadows and ghosts, failed love.

She took the other guy’s pain away. She held his hand and for once the other guy had support. The other guy grew confident in himself. The other guy believed that his story was just starting after all.

The other guy was mistaken. The lady herself had escaped from another story and did not realize that she was meant to be someone else’s lady. Though she tried to break free of that story, she couldn’t. and quite happily went to another’s arms. The lady made the other guy feel real love for once. But love was not made for other guys. Love were made for heroes and their lovers.

The lady was kind enough to thank the other guy for being there for her though. The lady said that she would hold the other guy in her heart where he always belonged. And the lady waved goodbye.

But this time the other guy wasn’t grateful for the wave. The lady had taken that well guarded hope from the other guy and destroy it.

Now the other guy fears hope itself. He is afraid to keep any. He has nothing left to give if it shall be taken from him ever again. The other guy has lost his reason. The other guy has lost his purpose.

The other guy was meant to be the other guy….. always……

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Todays Religion vs Yesterdays

For those who didn’t know, Zeus is the Greek god of lightning, also the king of the gods, who resides on his throne on top of Mt. Olympus.

Mythology has always fascinated me. It started with Greek, then spread to Norse and Celtic and a little bit of an overlap with Egyptian. The best stories ever told; The Odyssey, The Iliad. Tales of courage, valor, honor, respect, fear, joy, any and every human emotion ever possible told in the most human way possible. Each and every hero, creature, monster, every kind of magic and even the gods were constantly in extremely human environments.

The gods were immortal, yes. But Greek gods have always fascinated me the most. First off, they directly act as a sort of link between modern religion and paganism (worship of nature). There was one god for every aspect of the world, tangible and intangible. Of course there were lesser and greater gods and they were all immortal. But the concept of Greek gods was so human. Every single god was flawed, just like any human being, yet every god was feared and/or respected.

I’m not big on religion myself, but I think Greek mythology reflects on modern religion to a great extent. If I were to believe in any gods, it would be the gods residing on Mt. Olympus.

Any other concept of god represents perfection. The idea of a single god is almost exactly the opposite of democracy. Its almost as if we, as mortals, are absolutely helpless and powerless in front of the will of this single higher being and no matter how much this higher power seeks to purely benefit us as its worshipers, anything and everything we do will not make a difference unless it fits into that religion’s holy rules.

Think about it though. If there was one perfect god above us, why then is there an imperfect world around us? The very fact that this god created us all, means that this god created something imperfect. This itself implies that this single god is flawed, no matter what religion you’re from.

I’ve personally been exposed to one religions - Christianity. Now I don’t mean to spite your faith. I think faith is extremely important and everyone needs to have faith to keep holding on. I respect that faith in people. So if you think you will take offense with my opinions on Christianity, I implore you not to continue reading this blog.

Christianity - I think Christianity has done the best job of constantly adapting to the changing world and the changing people. Christianity, I feel, is the biggest hoax ever! Christianity does nothing but use the element of FEAR to make people worship. The concept of Christianity says that you screwed up just by being born. Well, not literally, but it regards some basic human instincts as evil. Just by even thinking such things, you are condemned to hell and if you don’t spend your entire fucking life repenting about wanting to do a hot chick, your soul will burn for eternity! Christianity is also based on the concept of one single perfect being - god. Which I just find hard to believe. I can believe that there are higher powers that exist, but not ONE perfect god. If there was ONE perfect god, women wouldn’t be raped on the streets, babies wouldn’t be dieing of cancer, everyone would be with the person she/he loved, concepts like love wouldn’t be difficult to understand and people wouldn’t keep hurting all the time.

Christianity is the biggest hypocrisy ever and the MOST messed up human beings I have EVER met have been hardcore Christians; arrogant, self-obsessed, hypocritical, unintelligent, selfish bitches and bastards! They’re just MEAN! (sorry, I’m thinking of a few particular people I truly despise)

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some very decent and beautiful Christians, who genuinely believe in Christianity and aim to find the reasons behind the messages of Christ. I was in love with this Christian girl. She’s the one who exposed me to Christianity and she’s one of the best people I know and respect today.

But the first thing I think about a person who says that she/he believes in Christianity, is that she/he is highly unintelligent. So Christians start off in my bad books and have to work themselves up to gain my respect.

Christianity just hurts my intelligence.

If anyone wants to argue this point with me, feel free. I apologize if I have hurt your sentiments. I am just a regular guy, what do i know right?

So I turn around to what I could possibly believe in.

Since the beginning of time, science has slowly been de-constructing aspects of religion. Christianity has been battling science ever since, constantly adapting and modifying itself to keep up. But Christianity still has a hold on people because science is moving slowly, but surely. The ultimate answers remain unanswered still and that’s what religion uses to rope people in. It is basic human tendency to fear what we do not understand and religion turns that fear into worship.

Going by Darwin’s theory, we all came to be through evolution. But tracing back to the big bang even, how did that happen? How did these gases that roam freely in space come from? Who or what created them? Is vacuum really nothingness? Then why is it black? Of course its black because there’s no light. But why is the absence of light black? You could go on with these questions forever. Evolution explains how our biological bodies came to be, but why do we feel the things we do? Feelings like trust, love, loyalty, why are we capable of such functions? Why are humans the only animals who’s purpose in life is not ONLY to just exist? Why do we create? How can we create? What will the future bring? After those thousands of billions of years when the sun burns itself out and becomes a black hole, and the earth is sucked in, is that it? Will there never be life again? If the universe extends to infinity, then isn’t there a definite possibility that another galaxy has the same conditions out galaxy does? Then wouldn’t life possible elsewhere as well? The probability can be near impossible but it cant mathematically be zero right? And if the universe extends to infinity, then the probability will eventually happen right? Or are we even the first time this probability has repeated itself?

Now it gets really freaky. What if, somewhere out there in infinity, things happen absolutely EXACTLY the way they did with earth. Everything, mathematically EXACTLY the same. Then, do you think that somewhere out there, there exists a second earth the way we know it today? And life has taken its course exactly the same way and if everything has been the same, then maybe there’s an exact replica of YOU somewhere out there reading this very blog written by an exact replica of me?

Think about it, if the above logic is true, then maybe there are an infinite number of yourself out there. Its kinda like if you stand in the middle of two parallel mirrors, both facing you, you can see a continuous and endless row of your reflections in either mirror. Ask yourself, are those rows really endless or do they end somewhere?

I’ve sidetracked here by a mile. But you kind of get my point on the “big questions”. Untill those remain unanswered, religion will have a firm grip on humanity. Science will keep on trying to get those answers. I think of religion as a lazy option, a sort of a short cut to life’s answers. Science is constantly working hard to debunk age old myths in our minds. At the very least, science will eventually lead us to an accurate description and understanding of god/any similar higher power.

That’s my opinion… but what do I know?

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Moving On…

I sit here and think about it all.

I think about how I wish I could just go crazy and become insensitive to it all, getting filled with drugs while drool hangs out the corner of my mouth; sitting staring aimlessly at a padded wall. Ahhh, wouldn’t that be the life? Just have a little fuck-all and you’ll be quite fine, really. Why not prescribe to a daily dose? Why not subscribe to a weekly newsletter? Screw it - go annual - grab a years worth of fuck-all… Because it really don’t matter.

Our time here is finite, over in a blink if you think about it. If we’re lucky enough to make it that long. We can hate those around us, we can spend our energy and time thinking how miserable we are when we could otherwise be living our life and leaving misery behind. Drama fills the voids of the ignorant.

People lie to you. Get used to it. People use you. Expect it. One in a million will love you. Relish in it while you can.

Life is nothing more than a series of events, each one after the other - coming non stop. We can surf them laughing wildly, or get pulled under and surface sputtering whenever we can to just get a breath. It really is our choice. No matter what you believe in - believe in the fact we choose our path, every minute of every day.

It’s so hard to get past the rocky ledges of betrayal. It’s difficult to leave the comforting scenery behind when we don’t know whats behind the curve ahead. I say grin and stare wide eyed. I say pay attention in the curves because its our own blindness that causes accidents. I say embrace the winds of change - I say stare fate in the face, I say enjoy this ride because the next one may be even more miserable - and if its not, then you’re that much better.

Fuck those who do you wrong, they are trapped in their own sick little world. One I’ll never understand - and actually, one that I never want to understand. I don’t really care, they deserve what they create. Carry on and sally forth. Move forward because to live in the past is to die. Besides, with your eyes on the past you can easily overlook what could possibly become the best thing you’ve ever known.

To hell with those uncaring lying cocksuckers…. to hell with them all.

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Emotional Stages

We all go through different stages of emotions. But have you ever taken the time to realize what those are? Try observing yourself through the other side of the looking glass!

Now I’ve been through this particular emotion plenty of times and I notice how I always go through this same cycle to kind of re-boot my system.

Stages -
1. God
2. Screwed
3. Cry-baby
4. Cynical
5. Acceptance
6. Hope

Let me explain these…

God - Life is great, couldn’t be better. I probably start believing in god, ’cause all my life I’ve been a miserable fool who’s had nothing going for him. Then suddenly, out of the fucking blue, something happens that makes me feel like a little girl inside! Extremely gay, I know, unfortunately extremely true. This probably happens because some girl gets lost along the love-highway and happens to crash land, WAY off the highway, into my shack in the dessert on the sad side of the road somewhere and decides to let me tend her wounds from the crash. A couple of days of recovery, she realizes how effective my medicines are and/or she figures she’s lost anyway so she tells me she plans to stay.

Screwed - I probably leave the damn radio on in the shack and she hears that they are building an extension road back to the highway she was previously on. Now she can finally get back to where she was going in the first place. So she jumps right back on the highway, for whatever reason. Never been able to figure those reasons out! What’s impressive is how originally different they are for each girl!

Cry-baby - Happy-land comes-a-tumbling down and the misery snowballs on me (oh how tragic!). I go into shock, reality it hits me. I whine and moan like a bitch to no end! God help you if you ever ask me if somethings wrong while I’m in this stage. Nothing in the world makes sense. I feel so sorry for myself! So vulnerable, so purposeless and everything I can even think of doing seems futile.

Cynical (a.k.a. the ‘HOUSE’ stage) - I’m miserable anyways by now. I enter the extremely pessimistic stage. I don’t give a damn in this world about anyone or anything. And get extremely cynical about anything. I’d probably find something wrong with a smiling baby! Remind you of someone? Dr. house maybe? Totally idolize him right now because I guess I’m in this stage currently. I also like to think of this stage as the “Stupidity” stage. Because I don’t care about anything that’s going on. I end up doing and trying a lot of things I would consider taboo otherwise. And because I don’t give a damn, I screw people over without even realizing it. I come to realize much much later that triggers the next stage though. This stage lasts a while. I have to say, it is rather fun! Even though people seem extremely fake and annoying, specially people who say they are in love! Life can be a lot of fun when you shirk off every responsibility you have and just think about yourself; dangerous, but fun.

Acceptance - So in the ‘house’ stage, I always end up doing something so outrageous that my conscience punches me smack in my gut to pull me back to life. My foolish mind thinks that because I don’t have anybody to love AND I can’t even have fun because my conscience doesn’t allow it. Maybe I’m not meant to be happy like I imagined. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a stepping ladder for other people’s love. Maybe I’m not meant to be the hero of a story, but just the other guy who plays a part in the story but by the end of it, nobody cares whether he got another girl, or he died of cancer, or he jumped off a fucking bridge… blah blah blah. This stage is really boring, because dealing with daily crap gets so easy when you don’t think anything better can possibly happen to you. This stage is pure self-pity, monotonous, boring, routine and tame. Most of my life has been spent in a mix of this stage and the next, FYI.

Hope - So the monotony of acceptance births hope deep within me. A hope that maybe, just maybe I am meant to be loved. But this hope is so timid and tiny that it stays tucked away like a coward, afraid to ever show itself, let alone speak up! This stage is a little easier to be in than acceptance. There, your just miserable and no thing’s gonna get better. Here, you feel 99% of the same crap and life is still as uneventful but you know secretly that the hope has been birthed, ready to strike at the opportune moment!

Like I said, I’m currently in the ‘house’ stage and I think I’ll go laugh at some people being stupid right now.

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“Letting Go”

I’m not sure who wrote this, but it makes a valid point…

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore.
It doesn’t leave feeling of anger, jealousy or regret.
Letting go isn’t winning and it isn’t losing.
It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear.
It’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts.
And it doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness.
It’s not giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn’t about loss, and it’s not defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on.
It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting.
It is learning and experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh.
Made you cry and made you grow.
It’s about all that you have.
All that you had and all that you will soon gain.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up.
It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open the door, to clear a path and to set yourself free.

Things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren’t meant to be!

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Rewind is Broken

Have you ever felt so sick and tired of you’re life lately that you just want to escape from your present and turn back time? Back when you we’re a little kid with no worries, no pressures and no responsibilities. Back when the only thing that seems to matter was Saturday morning cartoons. Have you ever thought; “What if we can just press rewind?”

press rewind… We can….

-undo things we never wanted to happen again…
-redo things we wanted to happen again…
-can change our failed decisions…
-can choose much better decisions…
-can make decisions that we’re never made…
-can keep the promises we broke…
-can prevent mistakes we made…
-can say our thoughts and feelings that were never said…
-can do things that were never done…

In short, we can make our life way much better! But the thing is, in reality, nobody can really press rewind and turn back time.

Right now I only want to rewind back a week, start it fresh… The harsh truth in life is that once you do it, you cannot undo it. Every decision we make, every action we take, all of them has it’s consequences. Consequences that might benefit us or not.

If we do the right thing now, we don’t have to press “rewind” anymore. Instead, we’ll just have to press “play” and go on with our journey. Let our life continue playing and enjoy every second of it.

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Botanical Gardens

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I’m tired of being single

I’m tired of waking up by myself. I roll over and there’s plenty of room next to me; there’s no one waiting for me in the kitchen.

I’m tired of eating breakfast alone. I turn on the TV so there’s some noise while I make my food. It’s not conversation, but it’s better than silence.

I’m tired of having things happen during the day and having no one to tell when I get home.

I’m tired of being a third wheel. Or a fifth wheel. Or a seventh wheel. I act like it doesn’t bother me when we’re all hanging out, but really, it becomes just another reminder that I’m alone.

I’m tired of people telling me that they don’t understand why I’m single. Other people, they say, it’s easy to figure out why they’re alone. They’re mean or angry or have no drive.

I’m tired of people saying that they’re sure I’ll meet someone who’s wonderful and smart and more beautiful than all of the girls I’ve dated before. And then, they promise, I’ll be so happy that nothing else will matter.

I’m tired of seeing a movie, or some other event that would be a lot of fun to take a date on. And then just not going.

I’m tired of my friends telling me that the last girl I asked out…the one who turned me down…isn’t good enough for me and she’ll regret it someday.

I’m tired of hearing that another one of my ex’s is getting married. Or engaged. Or is in a serious long-term relationship that seems to be “heading somewhere.”

I’m tired of coming home after work to an empty apartment. I don’t get to discuss the day or ask anyone how their day was.

I’m tired of cooking for one. Which usually means I make too much and either throw the rest out or try to freeze it. But then I have no one to remind me that I have leftovers, so it just goes bad anyways.

I’m tired of unwinding by myself. The couch isn’t nearly as comfortable without someone to cuddle with.

I’m tired of going to sleep alone. It’s clear that only one person has slept there. And only one person will sleep there again tonight.

I’m tired of being single.

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Soulmates?

I was talking to a friend the other day about ‘Soulmates.’ After the conversation ended because of a connection loss, I got to thinking.

So soulmates right? Very elusive idea, almost fictional. How is it possible that someone knows your thoughts just as you perceive them? Words are beautiful, but words are always limited. Limited to the language that they belong to. But feelings are so intense sometimes. Sometimes you just can’t put feelings down in words. Sometimes words just are not enough.

Hypothetically speaking, lets just say that soulmates do exist. Lets just say that you find yours, pretty fucking awesome right? Everything would probably make sense out of the blue and the world would seem like a happier place. Earth would feel like ‘heaven,’ right? Because the idea of a soulmate implies that you will be accepted exactly the way you are. No facades needed. No walls to protect your vulnerability, because your soulmate would know absolutely everything there is to know about you.

So, everything is perfect. You don’t have to adjust yourself, you don’t have to compromise anything, you don’t have to make any effort because this soulmate is perfect for you and you for your soulmate.

Here’s a twist: What if destiny comes with a sense of irony? What if you find your soulmate after its too late? What if you’re in a relationship when you find your soulmate? What if you’re in a relationship where you have made the compromises, you’ve invested emotionally and physically everything that was in you into your current relationship and you have adjusted your idea of perfect to fit the one you’re in a relationship with. Then you find your soulmate who fits your original and initial perception of perfection?

what would you do?

Maybe I’ll find my ’soulmate.’ Maybe I’ve already found her and I’m just not her idea of a soulmate… Time will tell.

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Life In A Cave

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I stumbled upon another in this cave of life. At first I could not see her in the dark, but her words felt like a ray of light in that cave. We spoke of love, of life… Not too long thereafter, we realized that we were speaking each other’s thoughts.

This stranger found me confused and dazed but managed to assure me that I was on the same path she was on towards the light. My spirits were lifted. We walked and shared more with each other. I told her stories of the cracks of light i had seen before. I let down my guard and took her by the hand.

As humans we allow concerns and assumptions to cloud our mind and manifest wrongful thoughts. Human instinct and years of surviving tell us maybe this is too good to be true. Instinct breeds feelings of a fear. and thoughts; “Maybe this stranger is not as perfect as I think she/he is. Maybe I am better off without her/him.” As humans we start to question things; “How does she/he know me this well? How does she/he make me believe so much so swiftly? Am I foolish in letting my guard down? Should I be worried?”

Night after night, these feelings might grew, fed on your thoughts like a parasite. Soon, that ugly parasite might make you doubt the one thing that made sense for so long. The friendship stands on stepping stones of trust, the parasite might make that one stone, that crucial stone rot and rust.

How am I going to deal with this possible parasite? By NOT letting go of her hand, and allowing myself to trust that she is willing to walk the same path of truth. I’ve let go of my only shield. Right now I have nothing to fear, and She will be my drug to keep this parasite away. For now, I walk in the cave, no longer afraid of the dark. And experience every ray of light with her. If I’m lucky enough, find the end of the cave with her hand still holding mine.

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I Don’t Cry

Why? Why do people say that? Why don’t guys cry? What’s so wrong about a guy allowing all control to be lost and the trying to let tears mend a damaged mind, soul or heart?

I’m a guy, and I remember the last time I cried. I don’t cry very often, but its not like I don’t cry at all. Each time I do, its one the most human feeling I have ever felt.

Most times I try hard to hold back the tears; I clench my fists and grit my teeth while telling myself to stop thinking about it. I shut the light off, sit on my bed and try to fall asleep so the want/need to cry will vanish. But the feeling overwhelms me and I feel hopeless in a moment of depression. In the moment; My eyes shut tight, my head points towards the ceiling then single tear drop escapes the corner of my eye and inches down my cheek, not far behind the first tear a flood of feeling and emotions are being released from with in; seems like a flood of tears, my soul and heart seem to be absolutely vulnerable.

It feels peaceful, in that moment of emptiness. That’s when I reach for a pen and open my notebook, with just enough light keeping total darkness away, my hand seem to find the paper and the words I can’t seem to say to anyone, flow as though the thoughts were intended to be spoken. Its in that moment that I lose control. Its as though the thoughts that are written, is my soul weeping and recovering from the emotional flood that had just overcome me.

Tears and a pen bring me back from a undefined feeling. Slowly my thoughts are all on paper and I feel better. I set aside my pen and get up to wash my face. I don’t look in the mirror, because I don’t wish to see myself so weak, overcome by emotions. i am a guy after all. I am not supposed to break. I am not supposed to cry. I am supposed to be a pillar. Right?

Why can’t I cry? Because a guy is suppose to be the strong one? Well we all break down from time to time, but its how we deal with those moments that define us and make us who we are…

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Broken Shell

I’ve always been the person that everyone comes to for advice. People seem to think that I always have all the right answers, but that is not true. I usually think things through ALOT and so much of the time I can come up with advice that at least helps them….

But what happens when all the sudden I’m the one that needs help? I’m so used to always having a way out; always knowing what step to take next. This past week everything changed.

Suddenly the protective shell that I buried myself in is broken. I feel vulnerable and I hate that feeling above all else! I obsess over keeping myself safe…. but all the sudden I can’t anymore. Last time I let my emotions get out of control like this I ended up with a broken heart. The time before that? A secret reviled by one of my closest friends.

I just feel like I need something to replace that shell. Someone to keep me safe and to promise me that I won’t get hurt. Problem is, life is painful. It’s unpredictable so if you want to live life you’ve got to take a risk. So what should I do? I guess I know what I have to do, I just don’t know how to do it.

The part that kills me is that I know exactly who I want to hold me and tell me everything will be okay again. But She’s not here right now.

I guess this is exactly the recipe for a few sleepless nights huh? Well regardless of the fact that I wont be sleeping I need to at least try. I have to be up WAY to early for work in the morning

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My Perfect Someone ?

My perfect girl is comfortable with her place in the world and doesn’t feel the need to apologize for who she is. Her beliefs are based on logical explorations and not on tradition or dogma. When we have a conversation, we can disagree with each other’s point of view and yet never get upset. She’s at least as intelligent as me, and possibly even more intelligent. Her sense of humor is sweet with a tinge of sarcasm that sneaks out every once in a while. When we come across babies, little kids, or puppies, she lets out an, “awwwwww” without worrying who’s around to hear. She likes to sneak kisses when no one is looking and delights in sneaking up on me when I’m not paying attention. Her health is important to her so she doesn’t smoke, do drugs, or drink excessively.

She has an active imagination and is open-minded to new experiences and new ways of thinking. Non-judgmental, she’s supportive even when she doesn’t necessarily agree with me. Her belief is that life is full of possibilities and moves forward with little hesitation. She has a lively spirit and isn’t worried about what people think of her. Her style of dress depends on her mood, ranging from preppy and professional to relaxed and playful.

She makes me feel like I can do anything and encourages me in all of my pursuits, though always making sure I understand that she expects the same. We can spend an evening in, cooking dinner, talking, and curling up on the couch to watch a movie just as well as going out. Her smile is infectious and she’s instantly liked by everyone she meets.

Most of all, she doesn’t need me in her life…she wants me in her life. Without me, she is absolutely fine; strong, passionate, and independent. She can do anything that she puts her mind to without anyone else’s help, including mine. But she wants me there, she wants to share her life with me, she wants to make time to see me no matter how busy her schedule gets. That is, so long as I treat her the way she knows she deserves to be treated; she won’t stand for anything less and that’s part of what I love about her.

What about you? If you could meet the perfect person tomorrow or friday, how would you recognize him/her?

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